FFIX: Giggles
by The Last Little Kodamas
Summary: MWAHAHA!! GIGGLES HAS NOW TAKEN OVER FINAL FANTASY 9!!! Zidane now has to giggle, will he ever get them out!?
1. Default Chapter

Body

FFIX: Giggles 

Zidane Tribal, renowned tough guy and all-around hero of final fantasy 9 (at least in his eyes.), had the uncontrollable urge to giggle like a school girl when the day was sunny, and the grass green as an emerald... Well anyway, being the tough guy he thought he was, he didn't know how to go about getting them out. He couldn't just be normal and go off to an empty room and let 'er rip. No, he had to do it in public, as discreetly as possible. It didn't make any logical sense, but hey, this is a humor fic. 

Zidane began to ponder about whom he could ask for help in this little dilemma. He knew he couldn't tell Dagger, she would look down on him, and he certainly didn't want that. Freya was helping rebuild Burmecia with her beloved Fratley-Watley poo-poo, and Gaia didn't have such a thing as the telephone yet. It was amazing that a world that had airships and magic, and some grasp of science did not have telephones, or indoor plumbing for that matter, but considering the population was made up of either rat-people, hippo-people, and a variety of other freaks, it shouldn't come as a surprise. 

Zidane continued to think of who he could ask for aid, while the giggles threatened to bubble up out of his throat. Vivi might have been able to help him, provided he wasn't such good friends with Steiner, who had a secret anti-Zidane society, along with Amarant. He also didn't want Steiner to lose the very little respect he still had for him, Zidane had worked really hard for that, four friggin disks!! To lose it all in the span of time it would take him to tell Steiner of this problem of his, would not be a good idea. Everyone else Zidane knew were either thieves, liars, cross-dressing genomes, out of the country, or homophobes, or a combination of all five, so that left only one person: Eiko. 

Zidane shuddered slightly at the thought of confiding in the little six year-old, but he didn't really have much choice. He just really, really hoped that she wasn't locked up in her room doing whatever it was little girls did, but then again, Eiko didn't do the same things that normal little girls did. However, he didn't care about losing her respect. It would actually be a blessing if he gave her some indication that he may not be that much of a man. The less she liked him, the better. 

So he wandered around the castle, looking for the little summoner. The only person, well not even a person, he found was Quina, who he had completely forgotten about, but a creature with no sexual identity could definitely not help him. Quina just wouldn't understand. 

"Hey Quina, have you seen Eiko?" 

"I no know where Eiko be, but I assume she be in her room, playing with dollies."  
"Oh wonderful." Zidane muttered as he left the kitchens which was where he had found the roly-poly gourmand. He headed toward Eiko's dark, gloomy chambers which Garnet had let Eiko keep at Alexandria Castle. Ok, so in reality her rooms were really bright. pink, and happy, but that's not how they were to Zidane. 

It was highly unlikely that Eiko was playing with dollies in there, more likely the Zidane and Eiko figurines that Dagger had given her for her birthday, whether knowingly or not, Zidane had but to guess. He was approaching the doorway now, and then he knocked. He could hear Eiko scuffling around in there, and bouncing off her bed to open the door. She pulled it open so fast that Zidane almost fell over. 

"Hi Eiko!" He said, trying to act as friendly as possible as he could given the situation. 

"Zidane? At my room? At this hour?" Eiko replied, eyes wide with shock. 

"Eiko, it's ten o'clock in the morning!" 

"It's late enough." 

"You are one really sic... Ok never mind, I need some advice." 

"Oh?" 

"Yes. Now let me come in, I can't tell ya out here." 

"Oh why not?" 

"Just let me in!" He pushed past Eiko, and sat down on the bed. He thought about where he was sitting and who's room he was sitting in, and so he got up and sat on a plush reclining chair. Thought about that, and decided to sit on the floor. Then he thought about that and decided standing up would be safer. Eiko lay down sideways on her bed, facing him. 

"Say Zidane, doesn't this remind you of the humble peasant coming to ask the beautiful yet tortured goddess for help in a dangerous and long journey?" 

"No, this reminds me of a person coming to ask another person who is their friend for some help in a little problem." 

"Oh, you have no imagination." 

"...Fine." 

"Oh Zidane! Why are you so cold to me!? I love you!" 

"Because I don't want to be a pedophile AND I already have a girlfriend." 

"You're not a pedophile if I agree to it..." 

"OK, Eiko this is not what I came here to discuss." 

"Fine, tell me your problem." 

"I really have to giggle." 

"WHAT!? Hahahaha!! That's so funny!" 

"Yeah so? What's your remedy doc?" 

"Look, I'm no doctor! I can't help you, sorry. Heeheehee." 

"Stop mocking me with your giggling!" 

"Sorry." 

"No you're not." 

"So maybe I'm not, but you... And your face Zidane!" 

Eiko kicked him out of her room and slammed the door. The door did not however, whack him in the nose in the fashion of a different fic, but his butt sure hurt from landing on the floor. Zidane felt hopeless. It didn't seem like there was an answer here to his problem, if he could only just go to another world, a world were they understood. Suddenly he was sucked into a time/space continuum, and was deposited in the middle of a hot, sunny resort town. A sign nearby said; Costa del Sol. There were cute girls in bikinis everywhere and Zidane wondered of the giggles had killed him and he was heaven, but he knew that couldn't be right. He oggled all the girls and then a tall guy with spiky hair that reminded Zidane so much of his chocobo Boko, that his giggles were really close slipping out. Zidane noticed the guy was seemingly carrying what appeared to be women's clothing. 

"Hey, do you have to giggle?" The guy asked. 

"Yeah, why how did you know?" 

"Let's just say I've been there. Here put these on." 

"What!? Are you some kind of freak! Those are girl's clothes!" 

"Yes. But these clothes will solve your problem." 

"I have more self-respect than that." 

Then Kuja appeared, carrying a make-up kit. 

"Oh Zidane! You have to let me do your face! You have such pretty eyes, and I have the perfect shadow for them!" 

"AHHHHHHHHH!! Get them away from me!" 

.....to be continued.... 

Author's note: Will Zidane ever get his giggles out? I BY STORM!!!!!! Please review it, and tell me how weird and insane it is. haven't decided yet. Maybe I shall make him suffer!! MWAHAHAHA!! GIGGLES HAS TAKEN FINAL FABTASY NINE 


	2. 

Body

FFIX: Giggles 

Part 2 

Zidane was dragged off rather unwillingly by Kuja and chocobo-hair guy. All the girls in the bikinis paid no attention to his plight, as if it were like, a daily occurrence. He wondered what kind of town he had ended up in. He was brought into a rather nice little villa, filled with a bunch of people. One of them happened to be very well endowed and looked like Garnet, but oh, Garnet didn't have boobs like that. He wondered where this girl had found them, because there was no way they could be real. Everyone was rather nondescript, except for a guy who had a gun on his arm, that was kinda freaky. Nobody seemed to pay attention to him though, or Kuja for that matter, and Zidane wondered if maybe Kuja came here a lot. Zidane decided to stop fighting now, because a) he was getting tired, and b) nobody seemed to be brandishing weapons, so there wasn't a threat. Besides, it was rude to fight in someone's house when nobody had attacked you yet. 

"So Cloud, this is the guy that needs our help, right?" Said the big-cheasted Garnet. 

"Yup, he's gonna be a job Tifa. He's real fighter too, it explains why he hasn't accidentally let them go yet. Oh yeah, this is Kuja, he's doing make-up." Said the chocobo-hair guy, who must be Cloud, he gestured to Kuja, and he nodded politely at the girl who was called Tifa. 

"Hmmmm...I see, he's gonna need a smaller dress, yours is too big for him. I think I'm gonna have to measure." Said Tifa, looking Zidane up and down. He began to get nervous. He didn't like people scrutinizing his sexy body, and this talk of dresses being to small for him and make-up didn't sound good. 

"Ummmm, what are you people going to do to me?" He asked, looking at them carefully, searching for any indication that someone was playing a very cruel joke on him. 

"Cloud, you didn't tell him?" Said Tifa, giving Cloud "the look" that Zidane had come to know quite well from his girl, so he assumed that Tifa and Cloud were an item. He personally thought Cloud had done pretty good for a guy who modeled his hairstyle after a large chicken-type thing. 

"Oh sorry. Zidane (how did he know his name anyway?), we are the society for the prevention of male giggles, and we're here to help you get your very severe case of giggles out." 

"So you're like, doctors?" Said Zidane, more confused than he was five minutes ago. 

"Not exactly. Tifa does have a degree in fine arts, but that doesn't really apply to this." 

"I see...so what do you do then?" 

"We find poor giggling sods like yourself and we help then to expel their giggles in a most discreet, yet public manner as possible." 

"So you just want to help me?" 

"Yes, that is our goal. To seek and to aid, that's our motto." 

"How did Kuja become involved?" 

"Oh Kuja! He's a former customer! Plus he has a most extensive make-up collection." 

"Yes...about the make-up..." 

"Don't worry, it's all hypo-allergenic." 

"No, that's not what I meant..." 

"So, shall we get down to business?" 

"I still have some questions..." 

"Alrighty then! Come on now Zidane, or would you like to be dragged kicking and screaming again?" 

"...I'll go myself." He sighed and he followed the trio into a small room down a hall to the right of the kitchen. There was what appeared to be a large bathing tub unlike any he had seen before, and what appeared to be a smaller bathing tub, and something which looked a lot like... 

"Ahhhhhh!! It's a Mime!! Hurry, pull out your weapons!" Zidane tried to pull out his ultima weapon, but the room was too small for him to do so successfully. Instead, he tripped over his tail and fell face first into the 'Mime' and got a face full of brown, scungy water. 

"Ewwww!! What is this thing!? It's not a Mime!" 

"That would be our toilet." 

"What do you DO in this thing!? ugh!" 

"We empty our bladders and intestines in it." 

"What!? Why don't you use trees?" 

"Uhhhh, Kuja you explain." 

"You see Zidane," Kuja started, patting his brother on his shoulder consolingly, "some beings are more advanced than ours, and have discovered some things that we do not have on Gaia, like this little device here." 

"We're not on Gaia! Ahhhhhhh!" 

"You are one stupid kid Zidane." 

"Thank you." 

"That wasn't a compliment." 

"Well, excuuuuuuse me!" Kuja put the toilet lid down and made Zidane stand on it while Tifa took his measurements. after that was done, she left the villa, proclaiming she had seen 'just the thing' over at some shop. After she left, the three males stood there, saying nothing, Zidane feeling very exposed standing on the toilet, covered in measuring tape. 

"So, have you been doing this for long?" asked Zidane in an attempt to make a conversation. 

"Not really. saving the world is kinda a one-time thing ya know? And we needed something to do, so when I had the same sort of dilemma, I thought, "hey, I could really help people in the same situation' and SPMG was formed." 

"Yeah..." 

"So what's your favourite colour Zidane?" asked Kuja. 

"Green, and you?" 

"White." replied Kuja. 

"Oh I like aquatic blue." said Cloud. 

"White's not a colour." 

"Oh, well then I like rose." 

"Nice." they sat in silence for a while, and then a girl in short, white shorts with weird hair, and some weapon of some sort, who appeared to be around the same age as Zidane, peeped her head in the door. She looked at the three of them standing in the bathroom together, with a make-up kit, and she could've sworn they were discussing colour preferences a minute ago, so she blinked and said: "I'll just leave you boys alone." and she did a roundabout and left the room with an ohmygodthatwasreallyqueer expression on her face. Tifa then burst into the tiny room, an expression of triumph on her face. she was brandishing a large shopping bag. 

"I did the impossible! I found the ultimate prom dress for our dear little Ziddy! For a good price too!" she exclaimed. 

"Why exactly do you people think that me dressing up like a girl will solve this, and don't ever call me Ziddy again Tifa." said Zidane from his position on the toilet. 

"It worked for me." said Cloud. 

"And me!" said Kuja. 

"But Kuja, you already dress like a girl, so why did you need it?" 

"I didn't _until_ I came here." 

"Oh, how lovely." 

Zidane shifted uncomfortably. Tifa just rummaged through her shopping bag, and pulled out a big, fluffy, blue and white dress that looked like it came from the eighties (I'm sure you know what kind of dress I'm talking about.). Zidane just stared at it. he had to wear _that _in _public!?_ he didn't think any self-respecting woman would ever do that, much less him. Zidane liked to pride himself on being an immaculate dresser, and a bout of giggles wasn't going to change that. 

"I'm *not* wearing that. Sorry." 

"But Zidane, see you have to, or we'll send the rabid monkeys on you." said Cloud threateningly. 

"You have rabid monkeys?" 

"No. But Yuffie can be _real_ mean with that Twin Viper of hers." 

"what!?" 

"Long story. But I assure you, it'll be painful." 

"That's not much of an assurance." 

Cloud sighed dramatically. "I didn't want to have to resort to this Zidane, but you have forced me to take drastic measures. grab him Kuja." Kuja made a grab for Zidane's buttocks. "Not there you fool!! His arms or his legs or something!" 

"Sorry." said Kuja as he forced Zidane to sit on the toilet, making sure none of his limbs could move. "there we go boss. Now lets get ready to makeover!" Kuja giggled gleefully, and the three swiftly closed in on the poor, vulnerable Zidane. His screams could be heard for miles as they plucked, powdered and transformed our hero... 

...to be continued... 

Author's Note: MWAHAHAHA!! Left in the lurch again!! if you really didn't understand this, I suggest you read the originals; Giggles and Giggles 2: Cloud's Revenge. that might clear a few thing up for ya. well, tune in next time for what will hopefully be the conclusion to FFIX: GIGGLES!! 


End file.
